Don't cry, Maman

I went to the Family Planning Clinic today to have my contraceptive implants replaced.

The kids were looking a bit worried after I explained the procedure (i.e. I get cut open - cue dramatically brave moment). So to lighten up the mood, I asked them if they'd give me a lollipop after the anaesthetic injection, like they did after their immunisations.

I came home this evening to find this on my bed, extracted from Nicolas' advent calendar.

No cigar

Nicolas wanted to ride out to the horses by himself.
To give him some independence and also tools to protect himself, he gets a quick crash course on what to do if a man in a coat gives him lollies.

"So if it's a man, you kick him real hard in the zizi. If it's a woman, you punch her real hard on the nose."
... Ensues a discussion on gender-specific harm, I get him to repeat what I just said to make sure he won't try to kick a woman in the nuts, and he's on his merry way.

Later tonight, I wake up a sleepy Nicolas to go to the toilet and tell him that AJ's mum will give him a bag tomorrow at school. Because he only looks half awake, I get him to repeat what I just said about AJ's mum.

"I have to punch her in the zizi."

Monkey hears

It's time to eat, and Eloïse's toy bird Lucky Lee is floating on the table.

"Va ranger Lucky Lee, Eloïse.
- Excuse me, Maman ?
- Va ranger Lucky Lee ! Ton oiseau !
- Ahhhh. I thought you said : 'Va ranger l'enculé'...
- 😐"

Tough cookie

On Tuesday last week Oma picked up Eloïse from gymnastics as she usually does.

Ellie was on the floor, practicing her splits, and when done went to greet Oma. She was holding her arm and behaving quite quietly. Told Oma she fell off the high beam, cried a bit, got an ice pack from the coach, and that was that.

Eloïse was still in pain after dinner so we took her to Starship. One x-ray, two books, three doctors and nurses and four hours later, the verdict fell. A fractured elbow. No gymnastics or swimming for 6 weeks. But it's all good, she weaseled her way into being offered an ice block and got a sling and plaster cast her friends could draw on.

Hello, my name is...

Conversation between Nicolas and Eloïse:

"My initials are NM. Nicolas Martens.
- Yeah! And mine are EM. Eloïse Martens.
- And yours,... *they both turn to look at me*
- You're MM. Maman Martens."

Child Psychology 101

It's 4:00 and Eloïse walks into our bedroom.

"Mummy, I can't sleep, I keep thinking about all these people swept out to sea and it's so saaad."

After swallowing up my initial idea of waking up Bastiaan to reap what he sowed, I decided to just take a leaf from the Internet. What do we do when we're depressed? Why, look at pictures of cute puppies of course.

And while I didn't find pics of Loki as a puppy, Nicolas as a baby did the trick.

Ellie did try to milk it one last time by asking to sleep in our bed.

Age and height

"You're getting tall, Nico. You're nearly as tall as me.
- I'm not nearly as old as you."

Papa needs to have a serious talk to his son on how to speak to ladies...

Bribery and corruption

We're playing Monopoly and Eloïse buys a street that I wanted.
"Eloïse can I buy Piccadilly off you?
- Nope.
- I'll give you Vine Street, plus M80.
- Nope.
- If you have Vine Street,... *ensues a lengthy exposé on the benefits of owning all three streets on the lot, building houses then hotels and collecting rent from unsuspecting tenants*
- Nope.
- I'll give you Vine Street, plus a Cadbury Rose.
- OK !"